i hate you


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it's been three years since that first valentine's weekend sealed with promises. since the poem you wrote for me in the card and the best sex we ever had and every word you said sounded like a synonym for forever. look at us now, open-casket for everyone to see what's become of us: all thorn and no flower, all messy, bloody hearts and chocolate in bed for all the wrong reasons. i hate you for doing this to us, for ripping our poetry into confetti destines to be thrown away. today i'm grieving a love and everything it could have been, a best friend and the anniversary of a weekend that felt like healing, before all our memories started to sting. i had barely begun to mourn our death when you made me kill the version of you that you used to be, the one i chose to believe in no matter how many times you left me praying for him to come back. i spent so long making a martyr of your mistakes that now i have to slaughter special memories like sacrificial lambs to steer myself away from temptation. i can't reach out to someone who doesn't exist anymore. i have to keep all the times and ways you hurt me like receipts in my purse so i don't forget the price i had to pay for loving you. and god, it weighs me down carrying them around. i hate you for it, for all the times you said you cared, said you wanted me in your life, said you didn't want to lose me, then treated me like part of the furniture: like no matter what you did, no matter how long you disappeared, i'd always be there when you come home. you told me how badly you wanted me around, but when you shattered me, you didn't even try to fix it - you just scooped up the pieces and threw me away with the trash. you know i never wanted it to end like this, all slammed doors and shouting. i hate you because in a way, you still feel like home. because part of me wants to run to you and i want to kill it. or at least grab it by the shoulders and shake it and scream: there is no winning with a man who always puts you second place. what began as a rush of love turned into a test of endurance, how much friction you could create before i'd finally run away. and i've never been a quitter, but i hate you for putting me into that position. i hate you for constantly making me choose between you and my sanity and i hate you because i chose you for the longest time. because i picked up your habit of making excuses for you when you should have been making it better. i hate you because when i cut you off, when i told you what i think of you, it stung to think that it might hurt you, but you've never had a problem hurting me. and i hate you because i'm hurt, i'm so fucking hurt. because you let all of this war amount to nothing. because after all that, you made me feel like i wasn't worth fighting for. because you swore you wanted to hold onto me even as you were letting go. i know that you've run out of chances, i know that i deserve beter. i know that this is your loss and i hate you, because i'm the one left grieving. 

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